Cowboy Jokes

From saloons to spurs to health insurance - here is a fun mix of cowboy humor from the comical elves of North Pole West.



A cowboy rides into town and stops at the saloon. However, when he’s finished his drink, he walks out to find his horse has been stolen. The cowboy walks back into the bar, loosens his guns in their holsters and says, ‘I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’m finished, I’m gonna do what I dun back in Texas.’ The cowboy has his drink and goes out to find his horse is back where he left it. The bartender calls out after him, ‘Hey partner, what exactly did happen in Texas?’ The cowboy says, ‘I had to walk home!’


Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are caught in an ambush. ‘Indians ahead of us! Indians behind us! And Indians on both sides!’ shouts the Lone Ranger. ‘Well, Tonto, old friend, it looks like we’re done for!’ Tonto looks at him and says, ‘What you mean… “We”?’




Visitor: Wow, you have a lot of flies buzzing round your horses and cows. Do you ever shoo them?

Cowboy: No we just let them go barefoot.


Health Insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.”Ever have an accident?”"Nope, nary a one.”"None? You’ve never had any accidents.”"Nope. Ain’t never had one. Never.”"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”

A  horseman went into a saddlers shop and asked for one spur. "One spur?" asked the saddler. "Surely you mean a pair of spurs, sir?" "No, just one," replied the horseman. "If I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to come with it!"



A prospector in the Wild West is crossing the mountains in a horse and wagon. With him is his daughter and $10,000 in cash. Suddenly the pair are stopped by a bandit who searches the wagon then rides off with it. ‘Dang it!’ says the prospector. ‘There goes my $10,000!’ ‘No, Pa,’ says his daughter. ‘Look. I managed to hide the money in my mouth.’ ‘Jeepers!’ says the prospector. ‘If only your Ma was here we could have saved the horse and wagon too!’



Saloon 2

An old cowboy goes to a bar and orders a drink. As he sits sipping his whiskey, a young lady sits down next to him. ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ she asks. He replies, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am.’ The woman says, ‘Well I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV or eat, I think of women. In fact everything seems to make me think of women.’ The woman leaves and a little while later a man sits down next to the old cowboy. ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ asks the man. The cowboy replies, ‘Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’



The Attack

An army fort in the Wild West is about to be attacked by renegades. The captain sends for his trustiest Indian scout. ‘Use all your tracking skills to estimate the sort of war party we’re up against,’ orders the captain. The scout lays down and put his ear to the ground. ‘Big war party,’ he says. ‘One hundred braves in warpaint. Two chiefs, one on a black horse, one on a white mare. Also a medicine man with a limp.’ ‘Good God!’ exclaims the captain. ‘You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?’ ‘No, sir,’ replies the scout. ‘I’m looking under the gate.’


Cowboy Boots

A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she’d ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady! Why don’t you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!”

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya Ma’am. I’m real flattered. Aitn’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”

“Don’t be flattered,” the woman replied. “Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”



Cowboy Boots 2

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ' notice anything different about me'? Margaret looked him over. "Nope'. Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ' Notice anything different NOW'? Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!' Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? ' Nope', she replied. IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!!!!
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ' Shoulda bought a hat Bert, shoulda bought a hat.


 Compiled by Spike, North Pole West 2015